It seems as if a mountain is rising above me, and I can neither stop it or begin climbing it. I have never questioned any of what I have done so far, not school or vacations, not leaving one degree for another, not even looking for a summer job. Then why do I find myself questioning everything at every step now? I feel as if standing at the ledge and trying so hard not fall that I can’t even move. It’s a griping fear my family doesn’t understand it and my boyfriend wisely tells me that all I need to do is move.
I finished college, I’m looking for a job, I want to move out. I’m starting my life!
I suppose it has something to do with it feeling so final. My brain tells me that jobs are temporary, not permanent, but my heart seems to believe that their final, that when I find a job I will be stuck in it forever.
Today I made progress, I finalized my portfolio and my curriculum but couldn’t get around to actually sending it. It’s ironic, I am now supposedly more free than I’ve ever been, and yet, I feel trapped. As if the walls around me are closing in.
I know it’s only fear, and I know I am capable of overcoming it.
I just need to do it.