I do not consider myself to be brave. I avoid conflict whenever I can, I do my best to keep things simple and easy, and I run away from things that are hard or complicated.
I’m not sure that I was ever truly a brave person. Growing up I was always the quiet girl in the back of the room, being perfectly polite, perfectly responsible, perfectly… average, all in all, perfectly invisible. I was the inconsequential element in the room, the one that made no difference what so ever. I had average grades, an average amount of friends and an average level of happiness. I guess I felt safer there. In that average place. I felt that if I didn’t took to many chances with my life and did things the way I was supposed to do, I would be okay. I would have an all-right life and be somewhat content with it. In my mind it was preferable to the alternative. I would prefer a somewhat life than a miserable one, as if those were the only options that existed.
I I was at all brave it was in private. When no one was looking, or when no one I knew was around I’d step out of my comfort zone. I’d take a risk and do something out of character. As if not sharing it meant I couldn’t fail, that it would be without consequences.
I would have probably spent my whole life like this. But something forced me to make a choice. I could either give up, and surrender control of my life to another person or do something brave, something hard. It was probably the bravest thing I ever did. I said NO!And I walked away to find something better. It changed my life. That day I found my courage!
I still question myself, more than I should. And my instinct is still to run away from what is hard and what requires bravery. But now I have the strength to face my fears and do what’s hard, take a change, try for more than average. All in all It’s worth the risk. I don’t always succeed , but most of the time, when I do succeed, it’s worth it.